Less than amusing ramblings from a jaded former gamer.

Monthly Archives: March 2012

N0t Hyped: Retro Game Challenge (Nintendo DS)

To the 1980’s and beyond!

Remember the 80’s? I sure don’t, but I played a lot of games from the 80’s during the 90’s. So I’ve got a soft spot for the old 8-bit gaming generation. Retro Game Challenge strives to snuggle up with those rose tinted memories and make you feel all kinds of fuzzy. That make any sense? No? Lemme just start over.

Retro Game Challenge is a small collection of original games modeled in the same manner of 8-bit games of yesteryear. You’ve got a pair of arcade shooters called Cosmic Gate and Star Prince. Rally King, a top down racer. An old school RPG called Guadia Quest (complete with murderous difficulty). And a series called Haggleman, which starts as a basic action platformer and later transforms into a cinematic (for the day) action game for the final installment. All in all, a reputable palette of retro gaming styles. The surprising part is what makes their sum greater than their parts.

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Pointless Achievements: 7 Day Survivor


At least the picture is appropriate.
ning this achievement does feel like being bludgeoned by a toy.

Frivolous collectibles and arbitrary goals have been a part of games, video or otherwise, forever. Typically most games start by someone just making up a rule. Like hit the ball over the fence, or paper beats rock, or remove the homeless guy’s kidney before the cop with the lazy eye starts wondering what the hell we’re doing.

But video games in particular seem to like exploiting random limitations for the sake of padding and when Microsoft introduced a unified system to keep track of your pointless non-accomplishments all hell was unleashed on OCD freaks with too much time on their hands, like myself.

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Rob-Bing Microsoft A Few Pennies At A Time

Pun courtesy of Stephen Colbert.

(UPDATE: For a more comprehensive guide on sponging some money off Microsoft, click here.)

So I had a minor problem a few weeks back. I found out that one of my all time favorite songs, All Along the Watchtower, had been put up for sale on Rock Band, a game I still mostly enjoy to this day. But I own the XBOX version of Rock Band, have no Microsoft points, and don’t feel comfortable giving Microsoft any money on account of them being a greedy soulless conglomerate who use their weight of a near monopoly in the computer OS market to forcibly insert themselves into other markets for the sake of trying to control them with their own brand of crap subsidized by their software division. What to do?

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Mass Effect and the Illusion of Choice


Actually take all the time you need. It doesn’t matter.


Mass Effect 3 recently hit the shelves and I was right there in the thick of it, by which I mean at home not caring in the slightest. I bought the original Mass Effect when it came out (technically before thanks to some shiftless K-Mart employees) and all though I didn’t hate it, I found the game dull and repetitive compared to BioWare’s last big Sci-Fi RPG, Knights of the Old Republic. The biggest problem for me? The realization that most of your choices didn’t matter. Oddly enough, it seems like a lot of fans are having a similar revelation upon finishing Mass Effect 3

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So it’s come to this…

I never thought I’d be the type to start a blog. They always just seem like outlets for narcissistic or depressed people to preach their dogma or vent their frustrations. So I guess when I said I’d never start a blog, I meant I’d never actually be quite narcissistic or depressed enough to go through with it.

But here I am, a medicated old man on the internet griping about how he wasted a massive chunk of his life playing video games. Largely because loudly talking to yourself in public about that invites strange stares and occasional police confrontations.

I’d like to say that this will serve as a cautionary tale and that I’m doing this so people can learn from my mistakes. But it’s not, and you probably won’t. I just want somewhere to complain. In fact I’m pretty sure no one will even read any of this. I could probably just start writing horrible racial slurs without a care in the world (sorta like how Mel Gibson acts when he’s drunk). But I won’t, mostly because anything you post on the internet typically never goes away.

Anyways, this is 0verhyped. My own personal outlet to ramble on about how my OCD tendencies and a lack of self control led to a massive amount of my time, money and effort being poured down the drain in pursuit of make believe goals and points worth nothing.

I’m not writing any of this to make a point about anything. It’s just a selfish endeavor to get a little catharsis out of all the hours I wasted and a reminder to invest my remaining time on things that are more productive. Like learning an instrument, or building something I can be proud of, or experimenting with drugs. (Seriously, don’t listen to those ads, drugs are awesome!)

Bottom line, I’m not going to let video games dominate my life anymore. That’s why I started this wordy and time consuming blog where all I talk about is how video games dominated my… Fuck.

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