Less than amusing ramblings from a jaded former gamer.

Category Archives: Pointless Achievements

Pointless Achievements: Party at Your Place

Another achievement with the word party in it?
And it’s also a picture of a balloon? Fuck.

So, another “party” achievement. Wonderful. This one comes to us from Rock Band Blitz, which was basically a watered down version of the traditional Rock Band game because Harmonix has fallen on hard times and can’t really afford to release full retail games unless it’s a part of Microsoft’s portfolio of copy cat nonsense.

Anyways, here’s another annoying aspect of achievements I haven’t really touched on yet, which is using them as a hook to sell more shit. A lot of gamers are fairly compulsive people. If they weren’t, achievements never would have caught on in the first place. So how can companies make money off that? Simple, sell add-ons, then create achievements for playing said add-ons!

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Pointless Achievements: What a party!

No, No, NO, NOO, NOOOOO!!!!
Not another “party” achievement!

Thank god it’s Friday and I’m almost done with this stupid shit. How the fuck did I ever do this every single day? And why did I do it? It was probably those stupid psyche meds I was on at the time. Nobody even reads this shit. I should just start smoking crack already and get it over with…wait, why am I typing what I’m saying out loud?

Um, hey everyone, whoever you are. It’s time for my last post about achievements from Borderlands. Today I’m talking about the ironically named What a party! achievement from the disappointing final Borderlands expansion, Claptrap’s New Robot Revolution. It’s gonna be a lot of fun, in that it’s going to suck really hard because this achievement is the epitome of lazy thoughtless game design…

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Pointless Achievements: Speed Kills

We have vehicles and you’re gonna use them dammit!
So enjoy trying to kill a tank with a dune buggy.

Another day, another achievement from Borderlands. You might think I hate Borderlands or something, what with all these Pointless Achievement posts I keep making about it. But I don’t have anything against Borderlands, I don’t even think it’s a bad game really. It’s okay, if you got a friend to play with, I guess.

The point of these posts isn’t to solely criticize Borderlands, they’re more to criticize common trends in modern games that I find annoying. Trends so common they show up in most games actually, and Borderlands just happened to be the one I picked to demonstrate them because it has a sequel coming out soon.

But I’ll talk more about that tomorrow. Today is about another achievement from another expansion, and the trend of shoehorning vehicles into games that don’t really need them for reasons that I don’t fully understand but will pretend like I do for the sake of running my mouth for several pages.

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Pointless Achievements: Big Tournament

In a competition for shitty video game achievements.
This would be in the running for heavy weight champion.

So today I want to talk about probably the worst achievement from Borderlands, Big Tournament. An incredibly dull and excruciatingly painful achievement that expects you to waste your life doing the same laborious bullshit for several hours with no breaks, made all the worse by the fact this is actually the main draw of the shitty expansion pack this achievement comes in.

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Pointless Achievements: Braaaaaaaaaaaaains!

This achievement wants to eat your Braaaaaaaains!
No, really, you’ll likely go comatose doing this shit.

Picking up where I left off yesterday, I wanted to talk more about Borderlands, and another aspect of it. Since I plan on doing five Pointless Achievement posts this week all about the same game, I figured I should pick an achievement from each DLC expansion pack as well as a the main game, which I covered yesterday.

And hey, Borderlands has four expansions, so that fits neatly in with my plans, how convenient. So today I picked an achievement from The Secret Magic Halloween Zombie Island of Dr. ZNed’s Island or something, whatever the first DLC add-on for Borderlands was called. It’s about Zombies. And it’s also about a guy named Dr. JNed, and I guess it takes place on an island.

The Brains Achievement (I’m not typing thirteen fucking A’s every time I mention it) is another achievement that I feel is representative of one of the major flaws in Borderlands, in this case, the quests.

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Pointless Achievements: Fence

Hundreds and thousands and millions of guns!
Shame most of them wind up in a recycling bin…

So I’m going to be doing something a little different this week. Ever since I fixed that weird formatting error on my Pointless Achievement tab, it’s been looking a little slim. So I’m doing nothing but Pointless Achievement posts this week. Also I’m really lazy and I find these posts easy. Speaking of which, every post this week is going to be from the same game.

No it’s not Portal 2, it’s Borderlands. That’s because I’m also doing something topical this week. Borderlands 2 is set to come out next month, which is set to be yet probably another game shill video game critics will be paid to say is a must play by a company desperately hoping this will be a good financial year for them. Oh, and Borderlands 2 is 2K Games third most pre-ordered game ever! Which sounds really lame and unimpressive when said out loud.

But apparently at least some people are lining up to buy Borderlands 2 the second it comes out. So I’m doing my part, in that I’ll be spending the next five days reminding everyone just how painfully dull the first Borderlands was, and that you probably shouldn’t rush out to spend $60 and taxes on a slightly different version of game that most people thought was “okay” at twenty dollars.

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Pointless Achievements: Rock Portal Scissors

Rock PORTAL Scissors?
That’s not even a fucking pun!

What, you thought I was done complaining about Portal 2? Nope, I’ve got more to bitch about, because that’s just the kind of pompous windbag I am. I didn’t talk about the achievements in Portal 2 in my last post because achievements are usually pointless and I just wanted to focus on the actual game.

But then I remembered I have a whole segment just for pointless achievements. So I guess I can complain about the achievements in Portal 2 and have a separate post just talking about the game without achievements. It’s like having my cake, and eating it too… Hmm, felt like I was suppose to say something else there for a moment, oh well.

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Pointless Achievements: One Gun

Beat the game with only one gun?
Actually it’s a lot easier than you think.

So I’m going to be posting this week, but I wanted to try something a little different, for just this one week. Since I talked about Brawl in the Family and how I was impressed with its creator’s restraint in his humor and approach, I’m going to try and restrain myself, if just for this one week.

Not going to bitterly complain or swear up a storm or use caps lock to indicate I’m yelling at my computer’s keyboard, as I’m often prone to do. So naturally I decided to start this trend with a Pointless Achievement post, a category almost solely devoted to me yelling, swearing, and bitterly complaining…

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Pointless Achievements: Pointless Achievement

Wow…Just, just not even trying anymore?
Just flat out telling people what a waste this is.

Yeah, this one is actually just called “Pointless Achievement”. I’d actually forgotten I had ever even earned this one, that’s how pointless it is. Pointless Achievement is from the one, and only, downloadable expansion to Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts. It unlocks when you enter the new area from the expansion. That’s it. There’s nothing else to say.

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Pointless Achievements: Party’s Over

This is a fitting name for this achievement.
Because any kind of fun is long over if you’re doing it.

I had originally planed to talk about the Kingpin achievement from Saint’s Row 2 today, but wouldn’t you know it, I just got a brand new fresh shipment of crushing disappointment yesterday that I’d like to bitch about instead.

Yesterday the (hopefully) final DLC Expansion for Batman: Arkham City was released, Harley Quinn’s Revenge. Unlike the last two “expansions”, which were just extra characters for the challenge maps that cost seven bucks each, Harley Quinn’s Revenge is supposed to be a continuation of the story. An actual adventure and not just an addition to the arcade style score attack gameplay the challenge rooms provide.

You’d think for a ten dollar add-on they’d have a couple of new and interesting tricks to show you for your money. Plus it was released seven months after the last expansion. So you’d think this might actually be something good, since they’ve been working on it so long. And it continues the story of Arkham City? That could be interesting.

But no, it’s just more of the same old crap. Beat up bad guys, go here, beat up guys, go here, The End. It’s like they needed one last add-on to justify selling a “Game of the Year” edition, which wouldn’t you know, they announced at the same time as this expansion. Nothing makes it more clear that this add-on was just made for financial reasons quite like the “Party’s Over” achievement.

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