Less than amusing ramblings from a jaded former gamer.

Tag Archives: Pointless

My Biggest Surprises and Disappointments of the Last Gaming Generation The Runners Up Edition

You can stick this right next to that little league trophy everyone got.

See, you’re not a loser, you just suck at winning.


Seeing as we’re in a new year and possibly a new gaming generation, I figured blah blah blah bullshit bullshit bullshit you get the damn point. I’m sick of that paragraph. I’ve been copying and pasting it all god damn month. Thankfully today is the last day in January and I can finally move on. But seeing as it still is January I feel bizarrely obligated to make one last post in this series. So today is for all the mild disappointments and modest surprises and a bunch of other crap I couldn’t cram into the last thirty days.

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Pointless Achievements: Rock Portal Scissors

Rock PORTAL Scissors?
That’s not even a fucking pun!

What, you thought I was done complaining about Portal 2? Nope, I’ve got more to bitch about, because that’s just the kind of pompous windbag I am. I didn’t talk about the achievements in Portal 2 in my last post because achievements are usually pointless and I just wanted to focus on the actual game.

But then I remembered I have a whole segment just for pointless achievements. So I guess I can complain about the achievements in Portal 2 and have a separate post just talking about the game without achievements. It’s like having my cake, and eating it too… Hmm, felt like I was suppose to say something else there for a moment, oh well.

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Pointless Achievements: Pointless Achievement

Wow…Just, just not even trying anymore?
Just flat out telling people what a waste this is.

Yeah, this one is actually just called “Pointless Achievement”. I’d actually forgotten I had ever even earned this one, that’s how pointless it is. Pointless Achievement is from the one, and only, downloadable expansion to Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts. It unlocks when you enter the new area from the expansion. That’s it. There’s nothing else to say.

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Great Things From E3 (That Never Actually Happened)

Available Soon*


So E3 is in full swing this week, or half swing since it’s Tuesday, or something. Whatever, E3’s is happening at the time of writing this post. If you’re not familiar with E3, it’s the big electronic gaming expo that happens every Summer in Los Angeles. Companies roll out their next couple of years worth of crap in the form of demos and trailers and other shit.

Gamers sit around their computers waiting for each and every announcement as they watch drawn out tedious presentations. I’ve actually seen at least one person claim to take a day off from work so they could watch the E3 live coverage, and there was even a young couple who refused to leave an E3 showing even after one them started GOING INTO LABOR! But hey, they got to see a teaser for Skyrim shortly before it was placed on the internet where the whole would could see it, that’s worth risking you and your newborn’s health right?

Anyone with half a brain stem would just wait a day, or just an hour for every gaming site out there to put up detailed list of every significant announcement, likely complete with links to more in-depth articles not present at the time of the announcements. That’s what those people at E3 are there for, to report the news. It’s a press event, but gamers want to pretend it’s the Super Bowl.

And like the Super Bowl, it often ends in crushing disappointment after enduring hours of mind numbing boredom.

Game companies don’t really seem to go out of their way to discourage that behavior, probably because they like the attention. But I mind. I hate pompous pageantry and mindless spectacles being used to pad out mundane announcements and confuse the audience. Worst yet, this corporate dick measuring parade causes gaming companies to stuff their presentations with vague promises and undeveloped concepts that never materialize.

Trust me when I say you shouldn’t get too excited for E3. If the reality of the stuff they demo doesn’t disappoint you, then it probably doesn’t exist, literally.

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How Microsoft Hijacked A Generation

If you can’t just buy out the competition, you can still rip them off.


Come the end of this week, I’ll be taking an incredibly long hiatus from 0verhyped, but more on that later. For now I want to talk about Microsoft and how in a lot ways they basically did “win” this console generation, despite never selling the most consoles or really inventing anything all that new or different.

Microsoft has never had the best reputation. Even by giant conglomerate standards they tend to be less well liked than other companies who invade your privacy, sell you defective shit and rip you off for every little thing. But over the last few years they have seemed to harbor at least some good will with gamers with the XBOX 360. What with their “amazing” online service and the “high” standards they set for games or something.

But not me. Oh no, definitely not me. Mostly because I’m a grouchy prick who feels compelled to piss on everyone else’s good times. I tend to do that, as old men filled with bitter regret often do. But I have my reasons, which I’m more than happy to share, even when there’s no one around to share them with.

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Pointless Achievements: Party’s Over

This is a fitting name for this achievement.
Because any kind of fun is long over if you’re doing it.

I had originally planed to talk about the Kingpin achievement from Saint’s Row 2 today, but wouldn’t you know it, I just got a brand new fresh shipment of crushing disappointment yesterday that I’d like to bitch about instead.

Yesterday the (hopefully) final DLC Expansion for Batman: Arkham City was released, Harley Quinn’s Revenge. Unlike the last two “expansions”, which were just extra characters for the challenge maps that cost seven bucks each, Harley Quinn’s Revenge is supposed to be a continuation of the story. An actual adventure and not just an addition to the arcade style score attack gameplay the challenge rooms provide.

You’d think for a ten dollar add-on they’d have a couple of new and interesting tricks to show you for your money. Plus it was released seven months after the last expansion. So you’d think this might actually be something good, since they’ve been working on it so long. And it continues the story of Arkham City? That could be interesting.

But no, it’s just more of the same old crap. Beat up bad guys, go here, beat up guys, go here, The End. It’s like they needed one last add-on to justify selling a “Game of the Year” edition, which wouldn’t you know, they announced at the same time as this expansion. Nothing makes it more clear that this add-on was just made for financial reasons quite like the “Party’s Over” achievement.

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Pointless Achievements: The Bladder of Steel Award

Need to use the bathroom? Or just want to take a break?
Well too fucking bad! Because you’re not going anywhere!

What is it with me and the Rock Band series? I don’t think there’s even been a game series that I both genuinely love and utterly despise more at the same time. Part of it is I’m just an ill-tempered idiot with obsessive compulsive tendencies and poor self-control. But I still can’t help think that Harmonix are just kinda sadistic assholes as well.

It seems like every Rock Band game comes with a shitload of a dumb arbitrary goals that require mechanical like precision on cheap plastic instruments. The first Rock Band had a terrible drum controller, but they still expected you to fairly accurately duplicate intense drum beats like Run to the Hills. I remember there being a lot of posts about how to jury rig the drums to stop counting extra notes you didn’t hit and how to make the pedal stronger.

It’s pretty fucked up they put goals into the game that the crappy fake instruments they sell you can just barely handle. I know they’re just one company trying to make a buck, so they can’t really afford to make exceptional midi instruments and still sell us to them at a reasonable price. But they surely could have eased the fuck up on some of their actual goals they stick in the game. It’s a fucking game where you pretend you’re Rock Stars in front of your TV with plastic instruments and a USB microphone. Why such brutal achievements?

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Pointless Achievements: Speed Run

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So continuing my discussion on Braid, let’s talk about the single most fucking annoying achievement in the game. The not at all creatively named Speed Run. Once you beat Braid you have an option to try certain segments with a timer in an attempt to speed run them. And the one segment you need to beat for this achievement is THE ENTIRE FUCKING GAME!

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Pointless Achievements: Kayak Master

What’s that? You find Fishing Resort way too calm and relaxing?
Well then, just try a kayak race and watch your blood pressure soar!

In case you hadn’t heard, Fishing Resort is possibly the greatest fishing game ever made, and just a good game in general. It can also be really relaxing at times. What with scenic surroundings and the mellow vibe it gives off. I even thought of holding a contest to give away a copy of Fishing Resort. Then I remembered almost nobody visits this site.

But even with its laid back gameplay, Fishing Resort isn’t above tedious goals with only a razor thin margin of error, nor am I above pursuing such pointless goals even though I really really should know better by this point.

Fishing Resort has achievements, or accomplishments, or whatever the hell you want to call them. All though a lot of them are a pain in the ass, they usually have something to do with fishing. Not the case with Kayak Master, which takes what should have been a simple diversion and turns it into a tortuous ordeal.

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Discussing Collector’s Editions, Pre-Order Bonuses, And Other Crap

Not Included: Guarantee Of Actual Limited Availability, Coping Methods For Buyer’s Remorse, A Better Game


I’ve always found collector’s editions a little weird. Just the name “collector’s edition” seems odd, like this is something just made to torment OCD collectaholics such as myself. It’s not a “special” edition or even necessarily a “limited” edition, it’s a collector’s edition. You don’t see many collector’s editions for things other than modern video games.

I know there are movies, books and CD’s out there that come in collector’s editions, but they’re usually rereleases of classic or already well liked things. And when they’re not, it’s usually for over marketed crap like Transformers 3. With games it seems like every big budget title gets a collector’s edition at launch these days. And this seems to be a recent trend. Last generation a collector’s edition game was fairly uncommon, and usually only happened after the game was proven to be a success.

Also pre-order bonuses seem to be a bigger trend this generation as well. Last generation the only pre-order bonus I remember was if you pre-ordered The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker, you’d get a second disc with every other Zelda game that ever appeared on a home console (minus the CDi ones which we are never to speak of). Now every game seems to have something you can only get from pre-ordering at GameStop, and if don’t you’ll lose it forever, or something.

So why the sudden upswing in all this collectible and limited time offer crap? Maybe it’s a sign of just how much more popular games have gotten in the last few years. But I’m a bitter old coot, so I think all this collectible super special limited time pre-order only nonsense is just another ploy companies use to prey on their customers’ compulsive tendencies to make more money.

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