Less than amusing ramblings from a jaded former gamer.

Tag Archives: Portal Sucks

My Biggest Surprises and Disappointments of the Last Gaming Generation Big Disappointment: Portal


This image really does capture my excitement for this series…

Seeing as we’re in a new year and possibly a new gaming generation, I figured now is a good time to look back on what games from the last few years really defied my expectations. Either because they went above and beyond what I was expecting of them or because they were horrible letdowns that made me feel stupid for buying them. Today’s disappointment is Portal, an apparent slice of gaming perfection that I found annoying and somewhat dull.

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Pointless Achievements: Rock Portal Scissors

Rock PORTAL Scissors?
That’s not even a fucking pun!

What, you thought I was done complaining about Portal 2? Nope, I’ve got more to bitch about, because that’s just the kind of pompous windbag I am. I didn’t talk about the achievements in Portal 2 in my last post because achievements are usually pointless and I just wanted to focus on the actual game.

But then I remembered I have a whole segment just for pointless achievements. So I guess I can complain about the achievements in Portal 2 and have a separate post just talking about the game without achievements. It’s like having my cake, and eating it too… Hmm, felt like I was suppose to say something else there for a moment, oh well.

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My Problem With Portals

What key makes me fist your mechanical ass long enough that you understand I never want to see a loathsome sack of shit such as yourself ever again!


Back to my normal swearing bitter ass self this week, complete with me angrily pissing on other things people like because I’m old and joyless so I feel compelled to constantly explain why I’m so miserable with everything in the world.

Speaking of which, I didn’t like Portal, and I don’t like Portal 2, which I recently discovered. And the disappointing thing is I really wanted to like these games. The portal concept present in both games is ingenious, and opens itself up to a lot of brilliant possibilities.

But neither game really explores those possibilities all that much. Instead it merely flirts with them just long enough to acknowledge there are possibilities, then fills the gaps between these mere mentions of better things with the same mediocre paste used to pad out every modern game. The same paste I’ve been sick of swallowing for years.

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Discussing Valve And How They’ve Become The George Lucas of Gaming

Horrifying image stolen without permission from VG Cats.
(Click if you want to see the original comic.)


Constantly writing long posts for a blog that almost literally no one reads is pretty thankless work. Probably because it’s not really the type of thing anyone asks you to do, or actual work. So no one has a reason to thank you in the first place. But the one upside to writing to an audience of no one is I’m free to pretty much say anything I want.

Just the title of this post alone would get me swamped by angry fanboys at any gaming site since Valve is apparently some sort of patron saint of video games whose name we’re not to take in vain. But here at 0verhyped, I can say whatever the hell I like without having to justify it to anyone with logic or reason. Just like a homeless man who spends all day screaming into a tree at the local park. The tree can’t interrupt him, or if it can it chooses not to, and anyone passing through will take one look and just keep walking.

So with that image in mind, it’s time to start another long nonsensical tree yell-a-thon of my own. I want to talk about Valve and how this supposedly gilded calf of innovative great games has largely become a false idol who takes credit for other people’s ideas and then profits off them. Not unlike a certain once free spirited independent filmmaker turned bloated corporate control freak, George Lucas. Crazy? Yes I am, thank you. But you would be surprised how much these two really have in common.

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